It has been more than one year since I last wrote here. A year full of ups and downs. I don't really know how to start this entry. Should I tell you in summary what has been happening? Or do I forget the past and just move on with this new chapter in my life?
Unless you've been following me on IG or FB, the last experience that I have shared with you was my first trimester. I guess it is better to just give you a quick summary. At 14 weeks, I found out 2 things. 1) I was going to have a son. 2) I have placenta previa - I did bleed a little twice. So the whole pregnancy I had to stay at home, mainly in my room since I was not supposed to use the stairs. Health wise, it was great. I managed to control my sugar level. Second and third trimester HBa1C was 6.2 and 6.4 respectively, Overall weight gained was about 9kg, which I shed off after one week of confinement.
My son, Adam Muqorrabin, was supposed to be born by elective C-section at 38 weeks because of the placenta previa. However, I had never stop praying that the placenta would move out of the way. At 37 weeks+, the placenta had moved. Both my doctor and I were surprised. Given that Adam's weight had not increased for 2 weeks, doctor said we better induce. I agreed on the induction but then after a few hours, I got my sign and started to have minor contraction. We went to the hospital at 1 am and waited for the doctor for 5 hours. At that point I didn't want an induction since I was already in labour. My husband has been monitoring my sugar level. It had been consistently low but not dangerous, around 3.5-4.0, So I've been eating dates throughout the night.
Doctor came just before subuh, checked my opening, and inserted the meds without discussing anything with me. I didn't know she was going to use that route of induction. I was in so much pain. I wanted to get up, wash myself and perform solat Subuh. But the nurses and midwife prevented me from moving, even after CTG was finished. I was really frustrated but didn't have the energy to argue with them. Doctor came and checked on the CTG and said my baby was in distress, we need to operate now. My heart sanked. They started to hurry to prepare me but I excused myself and went to perform solat subuh first. I was not ready to go through a surgery but I had no choice.
The anest (pakar bius) put in a line into my vein. It hurts so much. Then the nurse inserted catheter, it hurts even more. I had been on their end, I know you can do lines and insert catheter without hurting the patients. Then came the meds. I didn't know what they have given me but my head started to feel heavy and I can't think straight. I was so angry. I kept asking them about the meds and even said I am a doctor. Please tell me what you have given me. But they didn't. They wheeled me into the operation theater and had a male nurse hold me down for my Spinal anesthetic. It was supposed to be an all female team. I was already pissed off about the meds and the blow keeps coming. He strapped me down on the table and I started to fight. I removed the restrain on my arms. I was fightig because I didn't feel safe. My head was in the clouds, which shouldn't have happened. I've made myself clear that even in surgery, I want to witness my son being born. Nothing felt right and I kept fighting..
The next thing I know, I woke with aches and stiffness all over my body and my mom came to me holding a baby. In my mind, I was asking, who is this baby? This can't be mine. I am just about to give birth. Then I hold my stomach and realized that I've missed the whole thing. I felt robbed. I was sad and confused. My baby looks confuse too. He didn't latch. I tried and tried but it was useless. I felt as if he didn't recognize me too. The nurse said they will give him formula. I didn't want to and ask them to check his sugar level. Since the sugar level was low, I had to agree but asked them to give him cup or syringe feeding. Later I found out, they still gave him bottle. The three days I was in the hospital, Adam didn't latch at all and I didn't produce any milk.
For the next 2 months, I was on the verge of post-partum depression. I was struggling with breastfeeding and bonding with my son. Adam was so small and didn't gain much weight. At 1 month he had a bad skin infection, originated from a small lesion he has had from birth, which his doctor said, nothing to worry about. I brought Adam to see a different paediatrician and was basically accused of neglect because of his weight. She said Adam should be in a hospital. I can't described how horrible I was feeling then.
Many things had happened since. But that was the moment that I started not caring about anything else, but Adam. I stopped thinking about career. All I wanted was for Adam to be healthy. If you've followed me on my Ig or FB, you would see how obsessive I am about my Adam. I can't help it. I really can't believed that I've "written" down this experience. I've thought about it, played it in my head over and over again, but was never able to tell it to someone else. There are some parts that I have left out. I tried talking to my doctor about what had happened and all she said was "You were having hypos". So, end of the story. I can't argue. I'm not here to put blame.
This has tormented me for so long. It even affected my relationship with my baby. I do believe in Qada and Qadar. I know there is a reason behind everything. I guess I have found mine, I never understood how some women are very into gentle birth, until I've experienced this. And I since learnt that many others had similar experience of feeling powerless during birth. It does matter how you deliver your baby into this world. It affects you and your baby.
This Monday, insyaAllah, I will start my new journey. I will be attending a course to become a Hypnobirthing educator and doula. Later this year, I will attend the course to become a breastfeeding consultant and an infant massage therapist. I hope I can educate and help other women to be empowered during birth and have easier child birth and parenthood experience than what I had. I am still an Herbalife coach. Will be insyaAllah forever. Just that for now, my focus will be more on pregnancy, birth and babies. These were my passion as a medical student, and now, I have found my way back. I am also selling these wonderful baby food (puree) made with love by my cousin. No preservatives, no sugar, no salt, for busy parents that want their children to get all the good nutrition nature can give. More info will be available on my FB.
|Happily sitting in my freezer. New stock. :)|